Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Footloose, yeah. Hollywood has Alzheimer's

I really feel sorry for today's youth. Heck, I haven't given up being a youth just yet, so count me in for some of that pity.

What do they get for movies? Re-makes of Footloose, Private Benjamin, and Red Dawn. More computer effects, blander performances, whoop-de-doo. At least back in the 80s these movies were new. It's not like we didn't know what we were going to get with Goldie Hawn joining the army, but at least we weren't watching an "updated" rehash of it. Maybe this time Private Benjamin won't be so girly or something. Who knows or cares?

live performance of Footloose
This is cooler than Hollywood's latest production of Footloose

The worst part is that while these flicks are filling theaters, today's young crowd won't get to experience schlock like Laserblast and Yog. How uninspiring is it to know what you're gonna get when you walk into the theater every time? No highs, no lows, just regurgitated pabalum. Ewww.

Even the bad ones were entertaining. Not intentionally, usually, but hey if there aren't any bad ones how can you appreciate the good ones? How many titles was Laserblast issued under? I saw it twice, under a different name each time, both times as a second feature, which came up first in line because of my movie watching schedule. I got to find out just how witty my friends were in that movie. We had to sit it through to see the main feature each time. (Barbarella and Zardoz, now that you ask. It's not like we went to see Doctor Zhivago or something.)

Why is the 80s the magic period for movies, anyway? Plus, if you must do remakes, why not take a sleeper that never quite made it outside its niche and file off some rough edges, make it something everyone can love? Or pick the ones where the technology wasn't quite there to support the story back then, give it the treatment it deserves.

Because the whole point is being risk-averse, of course. I know that. The point isn't to make good movies, the point is to min-max dollars out of people's wallets.

Personally, I'm all about making sure these things are all failures. The first one was good enough. Heck, I've bought some of these 80s movies in 3 formats now. I don't need a remake. I'm ready for the theaters to be empty echoing caverns while I'm at home in front of my big screen, eating popcorn made in any kind of oil I care to make it in, with candy and soda that doesn't require a second mortgage.

But if I hear there's a remake of Food of the Gods or Them, maybe I'll go have a look. There's plenty of schlock out there that really could use another look.

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