Top 10 Reasons the U.S. Needs Terrorists

Terrorists of its own, that is--a pro-U.S. "non-state-sponsored" international military/intelligence organization. Not terrorists with respect to terror, but with respect to being a non-state force.

10. To allow non-U.S. supporters who don't want to support us openly do so. They can support the pro-U.S. "Terrorists" without openly supporting the U.S.

9. To do things that need to be done that politicians are too craven to support openly.

8. To provide "plausible deniability."

7. To conduct activities that are too risky for open U.S. military involvement.

6. To keep secrets that won't be leaked by Congress and other politicians.

5. To test operational procedures and doctrine for the regular military and special forces.

4. To operate in places without the need for local political approval (overflight rights, basing rights, etc.)

3. To maintain an intact intelligence capability not subject to political upheaval.

2. To provide the enemies of the U.S. with a healthy degree of fear.

1. To have a pro-U.S. force in place, even when the U.S. government itself is not pro-U.S.

As an added bonus, a pro-U.S. international organization would provide a home for those people who share the basic founding values of the U.S., but live in a place so awful that it's better to run around in the bush with a gun, rather than live a life within the law of the land. Right now their only real options for doing this are to join an anti-U.S. organization.

Now, the idea of a "terrorist" (not) organization is just one approach to increasing the security of the U.S. There's always the alternative of electing good leaders to make the best use of the institutions that are already in place. Yeah.

Proposition 8: Why is Government Defining Marriage?

It's no great surprise that a court decided California's Proposition 8 isn't legal today. The problem with the whole problem isn't a matter of equal rights under the law, but rather the artifact within law that allows the government a hand in what is really a religious matter.

There are two sides to marriage. One is the legal aspect--the tying of two legal entities into one, in many respects. The law concerning inheritance, the laws regulating the commitments that are spread between the two people involved when entering into contracts for employment, finance, and so on. The other side is the religious bond, which is defined by the faith of the participants in the marriage.

An attempt at correcting the problem of the intertwining of the legal and religious aspects of marriage was created with the legal concept of the civil union. In effect, it is supposed to provide the legal benefits of marriage without the religious aspects. The problem is, there is still the institution of marriage under law.

Having marriage as an act performed by the state, devoid of any religious involvement, as well as a religious act regulated by the state when performed as a religious act, is a hold over from the days when there was no significant separation between the state and religion. That hold over is what's causing so much trouble today. Having the state define marriage, and who can engage in it is in effect allowing the state to define religious tenets. Those tenets can never be defined in a way that does not favor one set of religious principles over another.

Rather than defining marriage, and defining who has the "right" to engage in it, the state should instead be abandoning it as a legal principle. The state should only have a hand in the legal aspects of such a bond, in other words, the state should only have a hand in civil unions. A courthouse marriage would then be a civil union, only, no matter the nature of the people involved. Marriages would be performed exclusively by religions. Where the state warrants it, and the religion itself chooses, such marriages would also be recognized as legal civil unions.

This would remove much of the basis for the unnecessary strife over the state's role in marriage. Yeah, there will be plenty of religious people who claim it denigrates the role of marriage in society, but having the state put a stamp of approval on any particular religion's marriage ceremony will necessarily conflict with some other church's views. It's like having a legal definition of baptism, which then militates toward state interference in who can and who cannot be baptized, as well as non-denominational courthouse baptisms to extend the legal benefits of baptism to those who profess no specific religion.

It's silly and medieval to have the state taking a hand in a spiritual matter like this. It's also silly to have law force recognition of one person's spiritual views on others who consider them odious.

It's time to kick the state out of marriage, and leave it up to churches and their members. Civil unions for all, get rid of the state "marriage".

Jerry Doyle: Back from the Shadows

One of my favorite talk show hosts, Jerry Doyle, is back on the air and sounding good. He's been out for three weeks, fighting for his life. He had some severe medical problems that led to a laundry list of his body's systems trying to shut down on him.

Hear what he has to say about it. He's posted the first segment of his return show from July 5th online, and he talks about what happened. He talks about it even more in the first segment of his July 6th show.

Jerry, we're glad you're back. Keep up the great work!

Jerry Doyle in Repose

I suppose it's only coincidence that I happened to be watching Babylon 5 with the family last weekend. The episode we watched was "The Summoning". Creeepy...

Jerry, we need you to get the 21st century's version of Morden out of the White House. Take your damn pills. If you take yours, I'll take mine. Deal?

Oil Skimmer Obama

Add a new nickname to the political scene. Alongside "Schoolbus Ray Nagin" we now have "Oil Skimmer Obama."

Senator George LeMieux has brought it out into the light in indisputable fashion, the President has made himself as much an obstacle to dealing with a disaster as Mayor Ray Nagin did in the disaster his city suffered. In fact, he's done worse. At least Schoolbus Ray didn't keep turning away schoolbuses after allowing his own fleet to be flooded out.


No matter what the President says about the value of oil drilling and offshore oil production (which he appeared to support with political actions taken just before the BP oil spill), we have a big spill now. It's possible to deal with this spill. The means for doing so are proven and in hand. But he's stood in the way the whole time, first through inactivity then through outright opposition.

Check out the Senator's page for the details on the oil spill response.

Amish Models Fight the BP Oil Spill!!!

Hey, everyone knows you're sick of checking out the oil spill. After all, who wants to spend week after week looking at this:

What Americans really want is naughty girls in underwear. The naughtier, the better, it would seem, as the "Amish" model who sells her underwear seems to be proving. She's been on Howard Stern and now she's rocking American Pinup.

The votes are in, this is what the people want.

When the alternative is Nancy Pelosi, discussing politics, who can blame them?

This ain't what people want, but it's who is running the show while they look away.

But hey, if you came here looking for Amish hotties in swimwear, here you go:

Amish Hotties on the Beach!

But that's not got the shock value of a chick who's "broken free" of her religious upbringing, cast reservations aside, and dons swimwear that dissolves in contact with water, right?

Those repressed chicks become maniacs when they break free of their religious upbringing, right?

Don't watch your government. Look the other way. Thaaat's it. Ignore what's going on behind the curtain...

Nothing to see here, we're just running your life. Move along...

So keep checking out those hot models. Much more interesting than how you're being screwed by your "representatives".

Does it matter what denomination the underwear is?

As the song says, "Look away, look away, look away..."

Supposedly Amish models make policy making soooo much easier!

Tip O'Neill Caused the Gulf Oil Spill!

The latest news that Halliburton was involved in the terrible oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico stops too soon. Naturally, The Atlantic uncovers half the story, then they stop once they find they've twisted the path to find the answer they like.

Trying to blame the Great Satan Halliburton for causing the oil spill is just too silly for words, but the usual crowd of fools have bought the fairy tale and are spreading it faster than oil on water.

Of course, there's no blame to the group that's supposed to be over seeing the process. It's all Halliburton, Halliburton, Halliburton. If the Minerals Management Service (so-called) had all the data, why did they approve this operation?

Always an excuse, never an explanation. Liz Birnbaum, head of the MMS.

Fortunately, it's all easily explained as Bush's fault, as Secretary of the Interior Salazar demonstrates. Or Cheney's, what's the diff?

The government's response to the oil spill was quick, says Janet Napolitano, once they decided to get off their duff, three or four days later, and decided to start looking around to see if they can find the car keys and cell phone and stuff. So they could start making speeches and threats to BP.

Fortunately, the government is prepared. They've got a doughy white guy pre-positioned in the MMS's Gulf Region all ready to be set up for a fall if there is any public outcry against the government. Obama: "It's not my buck!" Napolitano: "We've been all over this, and besides, the buck never got here!" Salazar: "Don't look at me!" Birnbaum: "Keep looking, I'm not going down."
Lars Herbst: "Huh? Uh-oh..."

Fortunately, they can keep following the thread back. Another chunky white guy, Tip O'Neill, was behind the Federal Oil and Gas Royalty Management Act, emphasis on the "Royalty", which put the MMS in charge here. So blame the dead guy. If that doesn't stick, prepare a public confession ala 1984 for Mr. Herbst.

Volcanic Ash Jet Fighter Gap? Try a Rocket!

Now the news has discovered that not only have commercial aircraft been grounded by the Iceland volcano's ash cloud, but military aircraft are, too. Amazing minds they must have...

There is a solution, if only we had some ready--rocket fighters don't take in air, so they can fly fine, except for a bit of windscreen fogging, perhaps.

Paint over the damn swastikas and get the Rocket Planes on alert!

Millions into defense and where are the rocket planes when you need them? Somebody tell the politicians that this is the 21st century, already!

The Iceland Ash Cloud-Bad, Bad Planet!

Satellite Image of Iceland Volcano Ash Cloud, April 2010

This is what comes of living on a planet with poor eating habits. One minute you're just getting the air clean thanks to your anti-aerosol and pro-electric car regulation, the next minute your ill-fed planet lets loose a real trouser-burning bit of flatulence and there's more pollution in the air than has been released by all of mankind.

If it's not Iceland, it's the Philippines. I blame the diets rich in fermented fish.

Of course, it may be a good thing all those airplanes can't fly, right. After all, they create man-made pollution, unlike the Earth, which produces nice, sanctimoniously acceptable Earth-friendly pollutants that live in harmony with nature and the Great Cycle of Whatever.

Visible light image from space. That diesel soot you see at the bottom is Mother Earth living in harmony with herself.

It's very funny that so called scientists here on Earth decide that we're destroying the atmosphere with aerosol cans and fire extinguishers filled with chlorofluorocarbons (which, as it happened, saved many many human lives each year, particularly in data centers and aircraft). The ionosphere, in fact. A layer of the atmosphere which they've yet to show a way in which things down in the troposphere, where we live, interacts with in such a way as to get the CFCs from down here to up there.

There are two events well known to make the troposphere interact with the upper layers of the atmosphere, as it happens. Especially powerful hurricanes and volcanoes will do the job. They're about all that has the power. Sure, plenty of scientists claim that someday we might find scientific backing for what are presently bold-faced (ahem) assertions, that is that CFCs down here ruin the ionosphere, as do other pollutants that they have decided to popularize, focusing on human sources which are pretty well completely insignificant compared to what the Earth is up to all the time. But the fact is they'd have to be far more subtle than the well known and currently measurable interactions known today.

All Ur Air Pollushuns Belong to Uz

The fact is that the folks who push the clean air crap (as opposed to any clean air reality) want you down here fretting over fly-speck counts rather than living your life in a free and comfortable fashion. They know that the stuff close to you--like your aerosol cans and car--look a lot bigger to you than they really are in the greater scheme of thing. They use that against you to convince you that, as an enlightened and thoughtful individual (you are an enlightened and thoughtful individual, aren't you?) you want to make sure that you don't leave things dirtier than you found them, that you don't want to be the flutter of the butterfly's wing that brings the whole Earth's ecosystem crashing down after four billion years of loving care by Nature. So you need to circumscribe yourself.

Hairshirt life has a certain appeal to it. Otherwise even hermits in the desert wouldn't subscribe to it. But it doesn't fix anything when if comes to reality. It's a withdrawal from reality, and a surrender of any control or power over the larger situation. Which is what the present powers that be desire. They want you wasting your time working on how to save a milliwatt while they run your lives for you, keep you busy, and push you another step, or another mile, down the road to slavery.

Don't forget to touch your forelock as your eco-superiors ride past.

X-37B: So Secret it Ain't

It seems somebody's decided that there's something sinister and secret about the X-37B Spacecraft. Yahoo! News has dubbed it a Mystery Space Plane and even Fox News calls it a Mystery Space Plane with a Mystery Mission.

OoooOOOooooh. Creeeepy.

The X-37B Being Prepared for Launch
On Orbit, It Will Creep Out the Easily Duped

Not So Secret, Really.

Actually, this thing's been in the works long enough that its uses are pretty well known. But that doesn't sell soap or get internet clicks. Check it out:

Operationally Responsive Spacelift

Near Term Manned Space Logistics Operations(See the section on reusable logistical vehicles.)

Exactly why it should be such a mystery that the military feel the need for a reusable, quick-to-launch system is a mystery to me. The Shuttle is on its way to retirement and the military's been kicked off its manifest since the Columbia disaster. Current boosters like the Atlas and Delta vehicles are not quick to launch, not reusable. The ability of other nations to knock out satellites is already here, and that means there's a need to be able to field replacements quickly, especially since the military relies so heavily on satellites.

X-37B in Orbit, Stealing Ur Megahurtz

But mysteries sell, it appears. Even when it takes holding back well known information to create a mystery, as the idiots in major media outlets have done here.

If you'd rather have information than mystery, keep reading:

Operationally Responsive Space
Responsive Space
FAST Program

Of course, if you think we ought to hinder our own defense by keeping it difficult to get to space, you can go back to your regularly scheduled conspiracy theories...

Sleek White Exterior, All the Better to Read Your Mind
Tinfoil hats, ON!

Polish President's Air Crash: Watch the Money

The crash of the Polish president's aircraft is a terrible tragedy. The loss of life, and of such people, is a terrible thing for the families involved and for the nation of Poland.

Polish President's Web Site
Warsaw Web Site
(English Version, note: different content)


A wide variety of conspiracy theories are already making the rounds. So far, it appears to be nothing more than poor judgment on the part of the pilot. Attempting to make a landing in fog under such conditions is suicidal, perhaps there was something he thought he knew or that he could find out by doing what he did. If the thought was spoken, the audio tapes on the black boxes will let us know. Otherwise, we may never know.

The conditions of the flight and the landing attempt were unusual enough to be a breeding ground for conspiracy theories. You've wonder about the passenger list for the Polish aircraft when it crashed. Major corporations won't put so many of their eggs in one basket. Why did the Polish government do so? Not risking so many of their top government officials in one aircraft had to occur to them. Why did they go against such practices?

There are the theories of Russia's involvement. Russia has undertaken some extremely aggressive tactics in foreign relations lately. It's hard to see where there was a place for that here. It's bizarre that Russia's news is already pinning blame on the Polish president. President Kaczynski's record is against him here. He did order a pilot to attempt a risky landing sometime last year. There's no publicly available evidence at this time to suggest that that's what happened this time. Given the outcome of last year's outcry against him, it's possible he learned his lesson.

An opinion from a Polish Member of Parliament

It's hard to see how this could have been anything but a tragic accident caused by a pilot's poor judgement. There is one thing to consider, if you're looking for a conspiracy...

It may be worth keeping a tab on the finances of the pilot's family for a while. The pilot's actions, to all appearances, are foolhardy to the point of being suicidal. Perhaps there was more to it. Perhaps there was an offer made on the off chance that an opportunity would present itself. The nature of that offer?

Let's just say that individuals in potentially compromising positions take the saying, "Worth more dead than alive," way too seriously.

Watch the money.


Goodbye President Kaczynski and company. Fare thee well.
Poland, stay strong, stand firm. Your sacrifices will not be forgotten.

The Embassy of the Republic of Poland to the United States:
http://www.washington.polemb.net/

Poland's Tragedy is Our Tragedy

Vigor Starts with the Mind

I'm still tired of being sorry, but I'm not tired of mind (though I am fatigued of body). The reason for this is the vigor that comes with intellectual stimulation.

The best form of this is being around someone with a passion for something. Even if it's not something you're specifically interested in, the passion they have is invigorating. Enough to make you think you really are interested, beyond just the interest that comes from listening about it.

In my case the passionate person that gave me a jolt of vigor was a meteorite collector. He gave a talk at an astronomy club I'm with. His interest in owning and holding pieces of outer space in his hands was infectious. Pieces of the early solar system, unchanged for 4 billion years, or pieces of asteroids like Vesta, or the cores of asteroids with iron cores that were destroyed in collisions in the early solar system. Put in terms like that, it is interesting. Like so many things, the interest comes not so much from the thing itself but from what that thing is, once you know something about it.

Ignorance is the deadener of senses, the source of boredom in the face of the truly amazing. Knowing a bit about something is enough to open the doors of the mind to interest and wonder. Knowing more does more.

I'm not about to start collecting space rocks. I've got too many hobbies as it is (among them intermittent spates of Earth-rock collection, especially fossils.) But basking in the passion of someone else in an interesting pursuit is a real pick-me-up for a tired mind.

Tired of Being: Smart, Sorry, Tired

Sometimes things just get old. Repetition makes them that way, especially when there's no end to that repetition in sight.

Smart

People tell me I'm smart. I'll recuse myself from making a call on that, since I have the bias of remembering just about every stupid thing I've ever done in stark detail. I feel that nothing I do in the way of thinking is super-human, but it's treated as such by those around me often enough that I've got something of a reputation.

There are things that interest me a lot more than they do others, and I think that's part of the window-dressing that goes into being considered "smart". Lots of things interest me. That's why I enjoy reading encyclopedias (I have two sets within arm's reach of my easy chair) and lots of other things. I like digging into things, and I like making things. This adds some depth and experiences to what I get from reading about things.

Now the Downside

That's the bit I enjoy, if that's what it is to be smart.

The part I don't enjoy is trying to communicate my enthusiasm to others. Those around me sense my interest and enthusiasm. They want to know about what's causing it. Sometimes I can make sense to them.

"See that ship out there in the straits? The one with the clipper bow? That's one of the Iowa class battleships!"

"See how the colors of the strata in the rocks here are inverted from the ones over there? This whole section of ground has been folded over!"

Yeah, those are my clear ones. Now try explaining something to someone that's less obvious, or worse yet, something that's entirely inside your head. Even if you have the words to describe it, they may not have the words to understand it. That leads into the vocabulary minefield, where it becomes necessary to feel your way along through your description, stripping it of any potential interest it may have by slowing down to proceed word by word while anticipating simple synonyms for every term. Which leads to the next problem.

Sorry. I'm Sorry. I'm Sorry You Don't Understand.
I'm Tired of Being Sorry, May I Quit, Please?

Somehow it becomes my fault. Not only that they don't understand the language you speak (though they claim to speak it) but that they don't find something amazing very interesting.

It's my fault they don't know what I'm talking about. It's my fault it doesn't sound interesting when I have to use verbal circumlocution, hand waving, and amateur dramatics to make my point (if I'm lucky.) It's my fault I expressed an emotional reaction that made them think there was something interesting for them to find out about.

Not to bear too strongly on the "I, me, mine", here. My own experiences are just a case in point that you, the reader may well have encountered. Likewise, I'm sure I've had the opportunity to play the role of obtuse audience in the past. I think that some of us just tend to be typecast into one role more than the other.

So, in the interest of inclusiveness, I'll shift to using "you" so that you get to assume the position of the beleaguered bright person dealing with two-legged tree stump.

You're also making trouble when you go to the store and ask for something by name. A name they don't know. No matter how specialized the store, or how well stocked they are, or how well versed the staff, you ask for something that you'd think they're the experts in and you'll get a blank look. If you took the time to make sure you had the terminology right by referring to a supply catalog or visual dictionary before going shopping, more the fool you. If you're lucky, the staff won't act like you made it all up. But the not very helpful reactions will still likely run from annoyed bafflement to irritated willful ignorance.

Tired of Being Tired. About All This.

I'm tired of being sorry. I'm tired of being treated as if I am in a state of being not attainable by the mere mortals around me (I had no idea being slightly well informed on some things while ignorant on plenty of others was so akin to exaltation!) I'm tired of having to explain a word I learned just so that I could communicate with someone in their own language (I thought.) I'm tired of anticipating every human interaction as a lesson given, complete with lecture, demonstrations, and the sullen rebellion of the students against testing. Even worse is when anticipation becomes reality.

Fatigue of Mind, Fatigue of Body

Maybe it's just the mid-afternoon slump that makes me feel this way right now. Or maybe it's that I've had a bit of an imbalance lately in how much I've been able to feed my own mind as opposed to pouring libations of patient explanation onto the unfillable sponges of other people's psyches.

I don't know. I do know I'm really tired, in mind as well as body. Time for a bit of rest...



Or to find a Cure

Phreak Your Final Exam Tests!

Crush the Curve!

Here's the tried and true technique for beating out the Final Exam. It beats the grading mechanisms. It's an end-around, a secret handshake. It's the push of the button that ain't supposed to get pushed.

The Standard Substandard Method

OK, you know the drill. You're given a syllabus with the grading breakdown for your class. So many percent for this, so many for that, yadda yadda.

It'd work fine if you only ever took one class at a time. But every teacher expects you to build your entire life around their class. It doesn't matter if it's a five unit lecture plus three unit lab, or a two unit time-filler in underwater basket weaving. Your time belongs to them.

So they bleed you. Time for lecture, time for quiz, time for studying/revision, papers, midterms. A pint at a time, four to six time vampires attached to you, leaving you bloodless and limp just in time for finals.

So here's how to fight them.

Phreak the Final Exam!

First, you gotta know this technique ain't gonna get you in the honors society. It's gonna get you a passing grade, that all. But if you're in a position where that's in question, that's good enough, right? Especially if you can do it to more than one class where passing is in doubt.

Sometimes You Gotta Lose to Win

First, pick and choose what matters. Chances are, what really matters are the midterm and the final exams. The rest is blood taps. So, here's the deal. You're going to ace the final, possibly the midterm (if it's not already too late), skip the rest and retire with a cool 'C'. On top of that you'll still have a life, a body, and probably more real knowledge than if you'd flogged yourself to death on all the filler work. Heck, you may not even waste your time on classes any more.

How?

Yes, I have actually done this.

Guess what? Your college is not the only place in the world to learn things. In fact, most government-run schools (and some private ones) are among the worst places to learn. They do provide resources...labs, clubs where students of like interests can get together, libraries, they act as focal points for bookstores in the community, and so on. All this good stuff is what they hide lousy, boring curricula behind. The textbooks are chosen by crooked committees more interested in kickbacks than the quality of the material, the professors and instructors do what they can, but they have an administration forcing all sorts of requirements on them to satisfy the demands of people who have nothing to do with what you really want and need out of your education. And let's face it, some of them have either given up or weren't all that hot to begin with.

So, let's go where the knowledge is. You're not stupid, and you're not against learning. You're just against spreading five minutes of information across several hours of dry tedium.

Take your subject. Chances are you already know something about it and what it's for. There may even be an interest in your part. Sometimes the real use of a school subject is deeply buried, but it's there.

Now go where the people who use that subject actually learn it, or share their love of it. It's not school! Find the articles online, find the books writtten by interesting authors (there are interesting authors who write textbooks, but you wouldn't know it when the textbook editors finish with them.) Find a textbook from 50 years ago, when results were still expected and people were still naive enough to think that knowledge can be fun and interesting.

Now learn. Really learn. Have fun doing it. Fill your head with it and play with it. Make things, test ideas, play at being a crackpot with a wild idea about your subject. Build intellectual castles, then move the surf over them.

Know your subject cold, from the best perspective possible--that of someone who knows it for the sheer joy and love of it.

Guess what? This takes less time than classes and homework. Stay cool, and stay with it. Keep looking for the good stuff.

The Final Exam

Then, walk into the final an expert on the subject. You've used it. You've done it. It's yours. Know more than the teacher. Recognise the mistakes in the way the questions are asked, and anticipate what it is they're looking for rather than trying to search your memory for some comment from class you can parrot.

I have done this.

I got a C every time I did it.

I never went to any class but Final Exam for some classes, both Midterm Exam and Final Exam for others.

I never failed.

In most classes I had the highest score in the class on the final (or a tie for highest.)

And I got to have fun reading things I enjoyed reading, playing with ideas on paper, writing simple programs to play around with math, or languages, or history, or whatever as a way of playing with the concepts I was actually learning. I not only knew the bare facts, but why they were that way. If I forgot something, I could remember everything around it and piece it out for myself--while staring at a final exam paper.

Crash and Burn

OK, it's a scary idea. And fear will kill you. It shuts off the brain, keeps you from settling in and learning. And the potential for failure is huge if you can't be trusted to be honest and firm with yourself.

Accept failure. Fear nothing. Just learn because you want to. Perhaps start before you actually enroll in the class--you knew you were headed that way, right. Then you'll have your feet already under you once class starts. You might even enjoy class time, since you'll have something interesting to discuss with the instructor (and maybe even liven things up for your classmates.)

It's not necessary to start ahead of time. I often didn't. When I did, I often ended up showing the teacher my knowledge and interest so strongly at the start of class that they took me aside to make a special deal. In some classes the teachers sounded me out, then said "Here's the deal, I'll just give you an A in the class if you'll..." In one case I was asked to tutor a sports player who was struggling with staying on the team, in another case I was asked to write some articles for the school paper. How's that for a grade exploit?

Live and Learn...and LIVE!

Anything, anything, that makes you stand out from the muddled mindless masses in your class will mark you to your teachers. So long as they don't have some inferiority complex (many do), they'll welcome the difference in you.

And even when they don't, don't let them draw that life out of you.

Beat the system. Learn with enjoyment, control your time and your life. Pick your own way, get recommends from others who actually love the subject (your instructor may be one of those, ask and see!) Spend less time and get more, and get a passing (or better, maybe) grade.

And walk out with not just a diploma, but a mind filled with the joy of understanding.

Guam Tipping Over: Use a Skyhook!

He had the answer to global communications. Perhaps he saw how we can save Guam from tipping over?

There's a Congressman who's deeply concerned that Guam tipping over. He's shows a great degree of concern for the inhabitants of the island, and rightly so, given the nature of the threat to them this would pose.

Something must be done. We must understand the problem, then find a solution.

Stress Test the Islands

Maybe he's onto something that the rest of us are blinded to by our "conventional" thought, however. In the spirit of leaving no stone unturned, I think it's important that we start doing careful tests of the islands managed by the U.S. to make sure they won't tip.

First, we need to clear paths between the two sides of some of our smaller islands--across the narrow way, of course. Then, have the population march from one side to another while satellites measure the amount of movement. Perhaps draw them there with free beer and soda. Once they've sated themselves on one side of the island, open up restrooms on the far side. Put out bowls of chips and popcorn, then they'll be back at the sodas soon.

Careful measurements should allow us to figure out which islands need to have outriggers and pontoons attached to them for the safety of their population. Perhaps this would be a good reason to develop the "skyhook" technology Arthur C. Clarke was talking about. It would:

• Steady the island, and hold it up if necessary (perhaps raising it above tsunamis!)


• Provide a convenient navigational reference to islanders travelling in traditional means, without GPS aids.


• Boost the local economy, allowing the locals to lift satellites to orbit without the use of noisy, expensive, and ecologically unsound rockets.

Sounds like a win-win-win scenario!

The Real Concern

I'm more concerned about the Congressman, myself. From the sounds of things he should be getting medical care, rather than being sent to Congress. He's got real mental problems with a medical cause, and it's unfortunate that he's being used this way by those around him.

What's the excuse for the people who elected him, the people in the party that put him in this position, and those people that call themselves "reporters" in his district?

Larry King's Ratings Beaten in Less than 24 Hours!

Less than 24 hours after the introduction of the War Sporks blog to the world, we've exceeded the audience of CNN's Larry King!

Yes, the man who owned late night radio in the early 80's is now below us in total numbers of viewers, readers, and listeners. In fact, the entire current audience of Larry King is less than we've managed since our appearance on the web yesterday.

We at War Sporks would like to thank you, our readers, our sponsors, the folks at Google (Topeka, that is), and the gnomes beneath the internet ("Plenus." Enough said.)
We are not resting on our laurels, however. Bookmark this page, because we're going even further. We're hoping to overtake all of CNN by the end of the week. Yes, this week. We aren't doing any wimpy slips to "over 7 days." We are now pressing to exceed CNN's total ratings numbers by the end of the calendar week.

Whoops, look like we've already made it. Stay tuned, we're working on our next goal...

Google's April Fools--Topeka, Indeed

OK, seeing Topeka at the top of Google's home page today was pretty funny. I chuckled, enjoyed the way they'd done Topeka in their signature colorful letters, and moved on.

About two hours later, I had a moment to wonder...

I wonder what's at topeka.com?

I gave it a try. Here's what I got:



Google



Good job of covering the bases, guys. That was good for another chuckle. That's more laughs than I get out of Garfield in a week. ;)

April Fools, It's the Census!

The ads for the census are really something else. You're shtoopid enuf to think nobody can figure out what public services are needed without it, right? That's what they're saying. Nobody can count cars on the road, count riders on buses, lay new pavement, if the mighty oracle of the Census does not speak first.

What a crock. It may be true for government that they refuse to provide for public services until they're beaten over the head (like government-collected figures could ever be used for that purpose!), it being so much more interesting to spend all that taxpayer revenue on kickback inducing projects, vote-buying feel-goodism, and photo-ops. The census doesn't get money into any district, though.

What it's supposed to be is a way of apportioning seats in the House of Representatives. End of story. What it has become, however, is a data-mining operation for the social engineers in the government who want to keep you off balance, under control, and fully milked of everything they can take from you to buy somebody else's vote (or maybe yours.)

April Fools, America! Your "selfless" servants are here to rule you from the other end of the leash.

Oh, and let's not forget what a fantastic opportunity this is for scammers to trick you by pretending to with the Census. April Fools! We stole your identity! All ur bankz belong to us.

PS3 Update Stealz Ur Megahurtz

I bought a router some long time ago. It had 802.11n built in, but it wasn't on the box. The driver didn't support it yet, just lower speed 802.11a/b/g. New driver comes out. I can't download it. It gives n support, but the manufacturer can't give it to me.

There's a law, you see, "protecting" me. The feature wasn't on the box. It wasn't advertised (though everyone with a browser knew it was there.) But the law said I had to pay to get the "upgrade", even if it was just software to turn on the hardware already in the box.

Sony Sez: PS3 "Update", You Lose

OK, now the PS3. Hey, it does multiple OSes! Once bought, though, Sony says "NOT!" and yanks it. No matter what I may already be doing that uses it. Turn it off on new boxes that weren't sold with it? Sure, it's bent but if they want to sink themselves and double the price of used PS3s, OK.

But take it away? Using the logic of the paid-for update, where's my refund for lost features?

Can Apple switch off MP3 support on my iPod and tell me tugh luck, it's AAC only now? If they made an iPod with Bluetooth but didn't have it turned on till an update--I'd have to pay. But switching off functions my Congresscritter says, "Hey, ream away! I'm next."

TANJ

Heck with PS3. Where's my C-64? Jumpman rox.

Actual Scantron Exploits

Chapstick don't work. Face it, fiddling with the Scantron form is going to get noticed, especially if it makes it sticky. And guess what? It won't spoof the reader, either.

Light lines across the bubbles, or shading? OK, now you're just rolling dice on whether the scoring machine is going to pick up a right answer off one of those--and not a wrong one, or a double-mark (insta-wrong!) You're better off with a blind guess!

Cutting the form and other such nonsense will just get you into academic probation.

What to do to beat the Scantron?

Before The Test: The Ultimate Exploit

Pre-test prep is crucial when you're graded on the curve. Spread crap about the Chapstick and form-spoiling exploits among your classmates. Send them to websites about it, hand out chapsticks and exactos and colored pens before the test, show them a (dummy) hacked form of your own and tell them how cool it is. Make crap up about sucking a Mentos and licking the form, or spilling green tea then drying it in the oven. Whatever.

Then, when their Scantrons get bounced and flagged, you'll be golden!

Now, let's get real...

Play the Test, NOT the Tech

First, don't try phreaking the Scantron form reader unless you're the one working on it and running the tests through. Different readers work differently, and most spoofs are going to either get the form spit out, get the form marked wrong, get ignored, or hose the machine.

None of these gets you what you want, and two of them put your spoofed Scantron sheet in a human's hands where trouble starts. Not good.

So, first, don't eff up the form. When you know an answer, don't screw up marking it. Use the right pencil and mark it properly. Exploits are worth nada if they take away what you can do right (whatever that may be.)

Working the tech is asking for trouble. It leaves a trail marked "this way to loser." So...

A scantron is just a multiple choice test. MC tests have been getting worked since they've been given. Scantron neither detects nor corrects these techniques. They leave no tell-tale marks on paper. And they can turn failure into hope for survival (which you don't have otherwise, or you wouldn't be looking up hairbrain schemes for putting lip wax on your test form on the internet, right?)

First, how's the test scored? If you don't know this, learn it or drop the class. Are blanks ignored or marked wrong? Does a blank count against you more than a wrong marked answer? How many points do you get/lose for each right/wrong/blank?

Let's say blanks are worse than wrong marked answers. You are now a wild guessing machine--no answers goes blank. See below for cutting down on the wrong guesses.

Wrongly marked answers are worse than blanks? Mark nothing on the Scantron that you either don't know or haven't got a strong guess on--keep reading to fill in as many bubbles as you can...

Exploit the test as follows:
Go through the whole test fast, answer only what you're sure of. Often the answers for some questions are built into others.

Watch for tricky words "are not often mainly" "less regularly than at first" and garbage like that can wait. Skip it and do fine parsing later (if at all.)

Go back, picking up anything that a later question answered. Get the marks in the right freaking bubble! Do not get half the test off by one then discover it too late!

It might seem risky to bounce around the test, rather than going top to bottom one by one, but really your chances of picking up an off-by-one bubble row shift is better this way, and you'll affect less of the test if you do it. Few things such as bad as having to move 300 test bubbles up one when you're moments away from "pencils down".

How many possible answers are there on the questions you have left? If it's two it's worth guessing, especially if you've got even the faintest clue of which seems better.

If it's more, throw out the howlers. If you can get it to two, you're in guessing territory even for a wrong mark is worse than a blank. Once you've done this as far as you can, sweat your way through as many blanks as you can in the remaining time.

If a blank is worse than a mark, get it to three possibles and guess. Then finish off with your totally random shots in the dark. Flag the total guesses, and use any extra time to go back and see if you can eliminate any of the answers you've marked as wrong. When you do, pick another of what's left.